i told myself it won’t make it any better,
even if i got you to hold me to sleep.
i wake up and feel the same desperation.
a faceless torments.
headache, nausea, my vision flickers white flashes.
i told myself, it won’t help.
no one will save me, i knew that by the age of 10.
there’s no safety. no one will protect me.
we’re all alone. doesn’t matter how deep we love or are loved.
we are selfish, frail and imperfect.
sirens and screams and ringing.
then there’s silence, darkness. another sleepless night,
the witching hour, demons grinning.
can’t close my eyes, i feel them staring.
i can speak to god, but i look at myself in shame.
my stigma. a disgrace.
you say you love me
if you cared, why can’t you figure out what’s wrong with me?
please tell me what’s wrong.
tell me why i want to die.